In a few days, I will be ordained deacon. And I can’t help but smile. I smile at the thought that I am here, making my retreat at Sacred Heart Novitiate where I began my Jesuit life ten years ago. I smile at the thought that many people and many events in my life have brought me here. I smile at the thought that I was just this boy from Santa Cruz climbing trees and playing in the streets—and now I am here.

Memories flood my mind. The thick stone walls of the 200-year old seminario across our house. The spire and twin belfries of the old Cathedral that stood so near. Seminarians in white soutanes gathered for prayer and chant class, and their laughter, banter and yell as they played ball. (Even their climbing over the walls on some late nights for their youthful adventures was a sight from our balkon.) Our nightly rosary and Sunday Masses together as a family. Serving at Mass in the Cathedral for many years. Priests in my parish and in school who showed selfless service but their human side as well. The unforgettable, life-changing experience that is Days with the Lord in high school. Jesuits who were my teachers, then partners in work who showed care and compassion, and who had a heart for those most in need. My teaching years where I learned a lot about giving…

It all began with a fascination. To be like those young men in white, happy and full of life. Then it became an attraction to the joy of serving and giving. And then, a response of gratitude. I realized I had been given much in life: nurtured by a loving family, raised by honest, hardworking, God-fearing parents who gave us the best they could, a happy childhood and youth, good friends, good job. There was much to be grateful for, to this God who had been so good to me. It led me to ask: What return can I make to the Lord for His goodness unto me? And I had to answer.

Looking back at everything now, all these markers along my way, I see that something more than fascination started it all. More than my fascination, my attraction, and my gratitude, I realize that it is God Who has called me first. God, Who has formed me and knit me in my mother’s womb, has painstakingly looked after me, sustained me, sheltered me, pulled me through, waited for me, and brought me here. He has led me to this place.

God must have been very patient with me. Deep down I knew what I wanted. I knew where I must go. But it wasn’t easy saying yes. It was easier to say not yet. It wasn’t easy leaving home—my family, friends, work, plans, places, and many other things familiar and secure. So I taught for a year, and another, and another. I was enjoying my job. I was doing many things. I was happy and fulfilled. But I wasn’t at peace. At night, before I slept, I always felt this gnawing feeling, that I had not done this one most important thing in my life. But God waited. And I looked for many more reasons to say not yet. Until I ran out of reasons.

I entered the novitiate on May 30,1997 with 14 companions. I remember that as we approached the novitiate complex, the moment I saw the rows of trees, everything just looked and felt familiar. I knew I was home. (So home that that night I had the soundest sleep in years, and woke up a few minutes before the 5:00 a.m. rise bell rang.)

I know I am home. This peace, this joy, this inner freedom I feel have been a source of consolation, a confirmation of God’s call. I have grown in my years in the Society. I’ve become more accepting of, and comfortable with my own fears and weaknesses. I still wrestle with them sometimes. And once in a while I need to be reminded that I am doing God’s work, not mine. What sustains me is knowing that God is with me. He has called me and led me here. He will sustain me.

The “Theme from the Cardinal” becomes my own song:

In a few days I will be ordained deacon. I will offer myself to God who has ever offered Himself to me. I will fall on the ground face-down like Him who has fallen on the ground face-down for me. I will serve at tables and look after the sick and the poor like Him who has chosen to be the Servant of those who suffer in body and spirit.

I feel not only awe and gratitude but also, through my fears and weaknesses, joy and assurance, hope and courage. And I can’t help but smile.

I know I cannot do this alone. But God is with me. He will lead me. He will sustain me.


- Xave L. Olin, SJ