The other night I was having coffee with a friend, and he asked me if I ever imagined myself becoming a Jesuit. I had thought about it when I was much younger - but in the same way kids dreamt about being an astronaut, a fireman, or the president of the country. It was an ideal. I never really thought I would become one.

But I fell in love with the Lord, heard his call, and was given the grace to courageously follow. I am quite sure this is also the reason why on Friday, May 30, Arvin Basa, Eric Esteba, and Arman Samonte will take the plunge with me and enter Sacred Heart Novitiate as Jesuit novices.

A few days before entrance day, I can only say that my vocation story is not as simple as it may seem.

The journey was long. The option to join the Society crossed my mind, and my heart, first during an ACLC retreat in October 2001. I went through college entertaining the thought but never really considering it seriously until graduation. I decided then to enter the corporate world, and I worked as a banker for almost 3 years. The world of finance was fun and rewarding, but in my silent moments, in prayer, I found myself wanting to see what was behind this other door of my life. I opened it last year when I joined the Arvisu House pre-novitiate program together with Arman and Eric. (Arvin was in Arvisu the previous year.) We all went through the slow process of discernment under the guidance of our house and spiritual directors before finally deciding to apply last December.

The journey was difficult. The time spent in Arvisu was tough not only for me but for my family and closest friends as well. I lived 10 minutes away from home, but it felt like an eternity separated me from my family during my first few weeks there.

When I learned about my getting accepted into the novitiate, I was shocked to the core, and fear muted the joy that I was feeling inside. The past few weeks have been the most trying as I grappled with doubt, anxiety, and nagging questions. Who will take care of my family? What if I cannot handle the vows of poverty, obedience, and chastity? What if, after I have dropped everything to enter the Society, God calls me to another vocation?

And I realized, at the perfect time for me to realize it, that the journey is greatly blessed. The fear and doubt are still there, waiting to catch me at my weakest of moments, tempting me to give in and take the easy way out. But I have been touched by a God who casts away all fear and shatters any hint of doubt. He has placed his people strategically around me, knowing when exactly to comfort me, challenge me, and love me. He has carried me, and I am sure my batchmates as well, through the weeks of uncertainty, into these next days of eager anticipation as we await the first day of the rest of our lives.

People have this nagging need to know if such a big decision has been approved by the heavens. And so they would always ask me for signs. How did God tell you that this is it? This would most often be followed up by the bigger question, “Sigurado ka na ba diyan?” It took me quite some time to give them a straight answer. I realize now as the clouds have cleared and Sacred Heart is visible in the horizon that this is not the right question to ask in this vocation to the priesthood, or for any other vocation for that matter. Am I sure that this is for me until the day I die? With a God wiser beyond our years, how can I be entirely sure that I will be a Jesuit for the rest of my life? Ask me though if I trust this God who has nudged me towards a life of holiness in this least Society, then I can smile and nod yes. I trust in Him who calls, and I trust that this is indeed His call.

And for those who ask for a sign, myself included, isn’t Jesus Christ the sign? Arman, Eric, Arvin, and I know that Jesus dwells in our hearts, and we know, full of faith and confidence, that we share the same desire as his to give of ourselves fully as novices in the Society of Jesus.

- Robbie Paraan, nSJ

Above: Robbie (first guy on the right) with other young men who also took the plunge and decided to seriously consider life in the Society of Jesus.